Farewell My Concubine

For most people love surely is a wonderful freeing thing... it up lifts the spirit in so many ways! Brings so much joy in the lives of the people who share it. Because that feeling spreads... and spreads... Yet for me, love no longer feels so freeing. Truth be told I feel so trapped right now. I received a letter from Lord Kito asking me to wait... and of course that did not sit well with Aizen.

So now, I am torn between two people... two different males who each offer me two different things. With Aizen is protection and strength. What woman wouldn't want to be protected throughout all time? And with Kito... it's tenderness.... the love we share together is freeing.

Part of me just wishes to through caution to the winds... and leave them both. I just can't take it! This maddening feeling... At night, I picture myself... finding the highest point of Ireem. Ah, the feeling of weightlessness until that one moment... then nothing. I'm so tempted to just end it all.... then I wouldn't have to worry about love at all.

Yet I cannot bring myself to do anything so drastic. I've made up my mind... in two weeks time I am going to return to the seas. I'm currently working out a time for my ceremony... Maybe a change will keep me from doing anything as drastic as taking my life.

The brave... the ones who stay in fight even after the odds look their worst. The poor yet noble souls who stick around to see what happens after the dust has settled. I've never considered myself to be one of those souls... in fact I consider myself a coward.

When things become tough or too difficult my first reaction is to flee. I left home... Edo... left the palace Harem... and now I am thinking of leaving the palace all together. I have found myself in a bit of a love triangle. Truth be told I really don't like the idea of hurting anyone... I can't even bring myself to owning a slave here... How in the name of all that is pure do I keep finding myself in these situations?

Perhaps it's karma? I did run away from first fiancee. He wanted to keep me in his gaudy mansion of his... like I was just another one of his damned trinkets! That's not love to me.

A drastic cowardice route would be for me to return to the seas. I could leave everything that constrains me... How the oceans sing to my soul every evening. Those teasing waves... how I miss the feel of their soft caress. I could go for a swim... yet the sensations would not be the same. I am not as in tune with the seas with a human body.

I was able to have a very important talk with Princess Lexie. She took me to a private home... following a hidden path. There, I told her the truth about how I felt about each male. And she told me a few words of wisdom. Choose the one who treats me the best... like a precious gem.

I suppose this means I need to have a very long chat with Lord Kito. I am not even sure of my feelings will be returned. It could be yet another one sided love... ahh the sands are filled with such tales.

Looks like I shall be paying closer attention to this restless heart of mind.. I just hope I find the correct path... and not one that leads to more sadness.

I have... accepted Aizen's marraige propsoal.

In truth I found it hard to ignore such bold deceleration of love, the promise to be protected for all of eternity... and the wonderful softer side he has shown me. Aizen has even gone so far as to bring me the actual hearts of his enemies... of which I have humbly offered to the goddess Sin Ray.

Yet... for some reason my heart still feels as restless as the seas during a stormy night. Could it be... that my heart also yearns for another? Kito is, after all... the one I meet first...

I suppose life will never be easy. It keeps leading me down these twisted paths, to which I see no real end to. No matter... at least my life is not dull? Regardless, it is probably best that I sort out my feelings. I am not sure how Aizen will take the fact that I still have feelings for another as well.

Until I get the chance to speak to Lord Kito... I can only hope my heart will settle down...

I have oddly surprising news... Aizen visited the Sultana recently and asked her permission to court me. While, Princess Page said her highness is still undecided, there will be a few rules in place if both parties agree to it. Just the other day Lord Aizen vowed to protect the palace from any enemies... he even complemented myself and Princess Page, showing off a softer side. Needless to say this softer side is far different then what I have seen before... far different then when he first tricked me into being his captive...


My mind travels back to this idea.. the idea that true love is blind. I can't believe it... but I am falling in love with Aizen. Yet, part of me is still unsure.

 Marriage is something extremely serious. I've run from another who once asked for my hand... yet, I have no plans on trying to escape. A part of me knows that Lord Aizen will follow.  He has my free will... owns my body and does with it as he wishes.


In truth my heart has never felt more restless. A part of me wishes to give myself fully to him... to offer him my spirit and my heart... Ah yes, to keep myself open to him like some love sick silly little slave girl who has just been bought at auction by the master she has been yearning for. Alas, the other part of me wishes to remain free... to live freely... to love freely... to be able to move away freely unattached to anything.

Added to the many other conflicting feelings is the fact that I have never truly let go of Lord Kito. What am I to do? My feelings divided... there is no clear path for me to take. I suppose this means I just need to trust my gut instinct... and maybe the words of a few close friends.