Farewell My Concubine

I thought the path I had recently chosen was a clear road... void of problems. I was going to leave the harem to be a lady of the court. I would spend my days working on art. Eventually, after my training as an artist was compete, I would then return to the sea...

Ah but alas... something happened that has caused me to put those plans on hold. Something occurred earlier... Patience said she caught Amosa dancing at a cafe in inappropriate attire while giving a lap dance to a slaver. When confronted, Patience said the girl showed her no respect.

Amosa claimed that Patience was also in similar attire... after going over the incident with Seren, we both decided that both girl's were at fault -- saving Amosa from any punishment.

I cannot help but feel a bit disappointed  with Patience. There are already issues about her being too strict -- and now this? In truth, I was hopping to leave the harem... allowing Patience to become the Valide. But now, I have had a change of heart. I will stay... and try to take the role of Valide. There is no doubt in my mind that she is not ready to lead the harem.

I am not sure when I will have the chance to feel the waves along my bare form... how I long for the seas. I wonder... why do we always long for things we cannot have.

So... I have decided. I shall take the path of a court artist. I plan on leaving the harem as soon Stella takes her wedding vows.

Patience will become the new valide. Until then, we have about four weeks to teach her how to run the harem. She's a brilliant woman, with a lot of wonderful ideas. I am sure she will do just fine. If only, she would not place so much focus on training. A few girls have even stopped visiting because they worry about being stuck in a class. Not that I blame them... I find teaching lessons a horrid bore... I can't imagine how it is to sit through a class. Ah, but I digress... as soon as Patience learns that there is more to harem life then training, I am sure she will be well on her way to being a wonderful Valide.

Even thought I have chosen my path, the ocean still calls to me.  There are times when I still feel like leaving the palace all together... the merfolk have no official clan, and they lack a true leader. Now, I am not audacious enough to think I can lead the entire group...  I believe I have enough skill to run a clan at least. Maybe then, I can be with a group of people who really accepts me for who I am.... instead of the people of Ireem's court... who expect me to act a certain way... conform...

I prayed to Kaiousei, god of seas... he granted my wish. My mer powers were sealed away in a charm... all so I could be human to fit into the court. Maybe... maybe after a year of artistic study, I will return to the sea?

I've reached a cross road in my life... and have been presented with three paths. The first, is to remain in the harem. Our Valide said when, Stella, our current Bas Gedikli, gets wed she will take her position . Thus possibly allowing me to take the rank of Valide. Unless... she gives the position  to Patience... a rising and talented Kadin... if that happens I still have options. Two other paths.

The second path is to leave the harem to become a court artist. I am currently studying under Lord Kito. This will leave me free to pursue my art... yet... I continue to second guess myself. Am I really leaving for the thrilling and wonderfully dull life as a court artist... or so I can spend more time with Lord Kito? If this is true, I do not see this ending too well. Worlds over, people do things... take risks for love. Rarely do suck ventures work out. "Nothing gained nothing earned..." but I really do not wish to take such risks at this point.

I am not sure why I feel so damn pessimistic on the subject of love. Part of me yearns for that one special someone... someone I can always count on in times of need. The other... loathes the idea.

The third path is far more risky... leaving the palace all together with the hopes of trying to take a leader ship role amongst the mer people. I grow tired of hearing out our people are being chased daily... at times I wish I could take up arms and do more! I show those blasted slavers once and for all... If I take this path, I could lose everything. Again, I am not sure if it is worth taking such risks.

I suppose I have a lot to think over... I understand the words "Nothing ventured nothing earned"... but I worry if I risk it all, I will be left with nothing in the end.